Disappointment is a weird thing. Years ago, I applied for a position; I have told this story before; I didn’t get the job. I let this missed opportunity shake my confidence. I began to question if I was what I believed I was, and if I was not, who was I? I have always championed myself as a teacher and leader, especially in literacy work. It has been the focus of my professional growth over the last 17 years of teaching; I have been successful. I have had all of these amazing opportunities; I have met legends, and they have become my dear friends; I have inspired students, staff members and colleagues outside my school to try new practices that engage students. I have built relationships that have helped bridge gaps for students, parents and teachers. It is something that has positively impacted my identity; it is what I thought could continue to shield me from the disappointment of another missed opportunity. It did… for a few weeks.

The last few weeks, I have let the voice of doubt creep in. The off-hand remarks that knock at my confidence. The whispers that clip the wings.

I am not having a great start; this year feels different, and I think it is important to be honest about that. I felt like I was doing a good job and doing my best. It is becoming clear that perhaps some feel that was my own impression. I don’t regret taking the chance. I regret that I didn’t take others.

Gravity Goldberg wrote in her book, Teach Like Yourself, that people are often not afraid of heights. They are afraid of falling. I am really feeling that right now.

Right now I am not sure what any of this means for me as a teacher, or at least a teacher in Magrath. I do know it is time that I reflect on what I need. 17 years of service and working with students is hard to put aside, but I am also not interested in “proving” myself anymore.

Maybe today the doubt wins. We take a breath. We move on.

Writing can be healing; reflection is important.